I know there’s always something
We have to go through
That has some deeper meaning but
Right now I just can’t say
I know there’s gonna be a lesson somewhere
I’m gonna think a lot about it later
But right now I’m miles away
~ Marc Cohn, Miles Away
The first year without him. I still can’t grasp this matter of fact. I still see him in my dreams, but even then I know he’s gone. I complained to the husband about that. Why – even in my dreams – can’t my subconscious allow me a moment of solace?
The son took it so much easier:
“Grandpa was great. I loved grandpa. But now he’s gone. Oh well… at least we still have grandma. Grandma is great, too, you know?”
Then he just shrugs, smiles and snuggles up to me.
Oh, the wonderful world of a four-year-old!
“I’m very sad.”, I try to explain to him.
“I can comfort you!”, he says and clumsily hugs me.
“Thank you, tiger.”
“Are you still sad?”, he asks after five seconds.
“Yep, still sad. It won’t go away that easily. It will take a while.”
“How long is ‘a while‘?”, he wonders.
“I don’t know…”, I admit.
My thoughts drift away for a moment.
“You done yet being sad?”, the son investigates.
“No, dumpling. It will take a much longer while than that.”
Still, I can’t help but smile a little.
“What makes you so sad?”, he wants to know.
“Well, you know, grandpa was my dad. I’ve known him much longer than you – 26 years! He was always there for me. I loved him very much, just as you love your dad.”
For a moment I can see his brain work behind his forehead. Then he seems to have come up with a solution:
“When I’m all grown up, I can be your dad.”, he suggest.
Now I really have to giggle a little.
“You will always be my son.”, I tell him and take him into my arms.
“NO!”, he gets angry. “I want to be your dad!”
“Tiger, that’s impossible. You can only be the dad to your own children one day, if you want to.”, I explain.
“But I want to be YOUR dad!”, he insists.
Well, when I was his age, I wanted to get married to my dad. Guess it just takes some time to grow out of these kinds of ideas…