She said: “I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved
By a hand that’s touched me…”
~ Matchbox 20, Push
Yesterday, I had a long talk with my mum. We talked about my dad’s incapability of accepting love. He had felt unloved too early for too long… I always feared he was convinced he didn’t deserve to be loved. When in fact I hardly ever met a person more deserving.
I really wish I could have given him all the love he had to miss out on. Even though that was probably not my duty nor my place. But in the end, it seemed his disapprobation led to him feeling not even worthy enough to love someone…
I remember our last phone call. Usually we would just exchange small talk, because he wouldn’t open up anymore. He got angry when I asked him about his health or his feelings. The weather was a good topic. Or I just would tell him something about his grandson. This time he told me some things about my ancestors. How nobody would tell him about his father’s birthplace and that he was suspecting some huge family secret. He told me that his father’s father fought in WWI for the Russians in Vladivostok. We even had a little laugh, because I all the time heard “Russia, Rostock” so I told him “I believe Rostock is a city in Germany…”.
Well, before we hung up I said: “I love you.” And for the first time ever, only silence answered. Then the phone was hung up.
“It’s probably because in the end, he considered himself so odious and deprived of himself that he could not imagine anyone who would have wanted to be loved by him…”, mum explained.
My eyes just filled with tears.
I never felt unloved by my parents. I know how lucky I am.
I never want my son to feel unloved by me. So I tell and show him every day.
“I know, mum.”, he says.
“Forever and ever!”, I emphasize.
“Forever and ever?”, he asks.
“Forever and ever.”, I repeat and kiss his nose.
I know my dad loved me… forever and ever. His difficulty of accepting love just made this exchange feel so uneven…