I’m in the car. On my way to PRISMA. Grocery shopping. It’s snowing. The bus in front of me blocks my view, the review mirror went blind from all the snow. I turn over my shoulder to make sure I can take the left lane freely. I see absolutely nothing. Well… I turn the steering wheel anyway.
Time freezes. I know it. I know that feeling. There will be an accident. Everything happens too fast to react, but I experience all in slow-motion. The bus cuts me off, a car comes from behind. With all my might I jump on the breaks, jerk the wheel violently. The road is slippery form the ice. The wheels lose their grip. I panic. My car overturns, hits the concrete guardrail and the bus. Another car runs into my car. It gets narrow, as my car is concertinaed by all the forces. I can feel pieces of steel piercing the flesh of my thighs. Then I hear and feel my hip bone fracture. The pain overwhelms me. I am in shock. Unable to scream. But my thoughts run wild. “I’m going to die.”, they yell. Next is my spine. I feel it turn to an impossible point. Then it cracks. Tears. Hot and wet. I cannot feel my legs anymore, nor my broken hip. My thoughts cover all facets from “I don’t want to die, I want to see my son grow up!” to “End this agony now!”. I close my eyes, wait for the end…
The alarm clock of my telephone rings. I wake up. Damn, this dream felt way too real. My heart is pounding like mad, there’s sweat on my forehead. I haven’t dreamt this realistic in ages. Usually, I am pretty aware of my dreams being dreams. I am even able to direct them.
I unlock the screen of my phone and am blinded immediately by the light. I turn off the alarm and stare at the background image for a while – a summer evening by the river. A pink sky, a few clouds, calm water. I want to focus on the picture, but flashbacks from my dream interrupt me.
I exhale heavily, try to calm my nerves. The son is still sleeping next to me. I kiss his cheek to wake him. Then I go to open the shades. I stretch myself and turn around to watch the sleepy son climb out of bed.
I don’t know what I would do if I was about to die… this thought is following me around the whole day already. I mean, I know that at some point of my life, I am going to die. But what comes next? I do not believe in an afterlife, so this question appears preposterous. However, if there was an afterlife, I would probably hang around here as a ghost for some time. Purposely sending cryptic messages to those open for them, like:
Then I would watch them freak out, trying to analyze the meaning, starting all sorts of theories. My own private life-show entertainment.
But most of the time I’d be watching over my son and husband.